The Force Is With Me?

Hello Internet.

This may come as a shock to some people, but I've never been a fan of Star Wars. 

Mental. I know. 

I don't know why but I just never got into them as a kid. May be it was because I was born in 1993, or because I was too obsessed with the Disney channel and Harry Potter to care about some Sci-Fi junk. 

Sorry, to anyone I just offended there.

As most of you know, I work at a movie theatre. Which means, ever since "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" was announced, it's all anyone cares about. First, we were obsessing over whether we were going to be getting "Age of Ultron" or "Star Wars" (because in my town the theatres have to share movies). Then, we got the teaser poster.  Next, we received confirmation that we are getting it. Now, it's chaos. 

We've been selling out auditoriums, left and right. We've been making "Star Wars" displays in the lobbies. We've been cleaning things that haven't been used in forever because I don't even know the last time we were as busy as we are about to be. And the whole time, I've been walking around not caring or seeing why everyone is freaking out so much. 

Is "Star Wars" really that great? Couldn't be. 

WRONG!

Again, I've never seen any of the films; and last night, I was the projectionist who got to "quality check" the movie with my manager. 

HOLY SHIT.

I totally see why everyone would be excited about this film. It is cinema gold.

The cinematography, the action, the realness of it all. I was entranced. 

It feels nostalgic. It feels modern. 

It was phenomenal.

I didn't even have to see the predecessors to know what was going on. Which means children who will be experiencing their first "Star Wars" film with this one will fall in love with the series. People who, for whatever reason, see this one and haven't seen the others, will likely fall in love. 

I smiled. I laughed. I shouted. I clapped. I cried. 

I had all of the emotions watching this film, and I've never had a relationship with the saga. 

Now, I don't want to hype this movie up any more than what it has been. And I understand why people who have loved this saga so much all their lives, may be weary. So, please, take all of this as an outsider looking in and experiencing her first "Star Wars" film. And, please, keep an open mind when watching it, you may be pleasantly surprised. 

I'm going to go educate my self on the rest of the Star Wars films, so may the Force be with you. 

Made In The A.M.

I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, when my phone lit up. One Direction surprised us with “Drag Me Down.” 

That was the song of the summer for me. The song dropped the night before my Rock Out With Your Socks Out show and 5SOS played “Drag Me Down” during their pre-show music and the venue went crazy. EVERYONE knew the words and the song hadn’t been out for 24 hours yet. 

“Drag Me Down” set my expectations for this album pretty high because it’s such a hit. It’s catchy, upbeat, and gets the people going. But, to be honest, you should never go into album release with expectations because One Direction always throws you for a curve and gives you what you’re not expecting. (I’m not saying that is a bad thing).

“Infinity” was the next single the boys gave us and it’s on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. It’s beautiful in it’s own way, but it’s not my favorite. I will admit, however, that the more times I listen to it, the more I like it. I really enjoyed the boys performance of it in the BBC Live Lounge. 

After “Infinity” we were blessed with one of my favorites off the album, “Perfect.” This song fits the atmosphere that the new album is trying to create, but it’s also 1D enough. It’s definitely a pop hit, but it’s unmistakably One Direction. I like to rock out the “Perfect” just as much as I like to rock out to “Drag Me Down.” “Perfect,” unlike “Drag Me Down,” hits me right in the heart. During the first few listens to this song, I felt as if there was a bit of a sarcastic, making fun of the “One Direction” brand and wanting all the boys tone to it. I don’t know if it is the video and my love for Harry Styles and New York, or if it is the lyrics and meaning behind them, or if it’s because I feel like they’re talking to all of us, but I’ve cried several times listening to this track. 

As for the rest of the album, it’s great. Louis hitting those high notes, like I'm sorry who's Zach? OH Zayn, my bad. I am not the biggest biggest fan of Olivia. I’m sorry. I know, Liam sang it to us on Snapchat but it just hasn’t grown on me yet. I’m sure it will, I wasn’t the biggest fan of certain tracks on “Four” but now I can’t say one bad thing about that whole album. "Never Enough" made me think I was listening to a Lion King remix. I could pick apart every song on the whole album for what I love and dislike. This whole album has a different and a more mature vibe to it. I know that they aren’t quitting, they are only on hiatus, but I wouldn’t want them to give us any other album before they left us for a while. Some of the tracks feel like the Beatles, some of them hit us right in the heart, some of them are pop hits, some of them don’t sit well with everyone but over all the entire album is genius. They are completely being themselves with this album. 

My favorite tracks are probably “Perfect,” “A.M.,” “End of the Day,” and “Temporary Fix.” 

You’ve heard why I love “Perfect.” As for “End of the Day” I love the beat. I love the lyrics. I love that I feel like I can be completely myself when I listen to this song. I feel like there’s nothing wrong with having the interests that I do when listening to this song. I feel like I’m 110% okay with everything about myself because of this song. 

As far as “Temporary Fix,” this is the one song that my whole squad agrees to as the best song of the album. It’s a toe-tapper and a head-shaker. It’s so catchy. It is the “No Control” of this album. It sounds like One Direction and it makes you want to move. 

Lastly, there’s “A.M.” YAAS, finally the album title. It has such a nostalgic feel. I shake my head to the beat, tap my toes, and cry my eyes out to this track. It makes you sway your body but it also speaks to your soul. You can picture yourself sitting up late talking to your friends or family when you listen to this song. It brings a flood of memories. It’s about reminiscing, spending time with people you love, and making memories. This song is the reason you need to buy the deluxe edition of this album. It is the send off, it’s the perfect ending for this album, it’s the perfect song to end on before their hiatus. 

This album felt like a love letter, or a warm hug from the boys. Letting us know that they love us and that they are coming back to spend some more quality time with us. 

Happiness

I talk a lot about happiness.

The internet has heard me talk about my jobs and how I quit for happiness probably a thousand times. And frankly I'm not sorry about it so I'm going to do it again.

Earlier this year I was working at a bank; making great money, had awesome co-workers, and I thought I was pretty happy. 

A few months and a mental break down later, I realized I wan't happy. 

I tried a couple different things to fix it; I tried taking more days off in the week, I tried planning special trips, and when that didn't work I tried to fix my unhappiness with some not so healthy options like alcohol and shopping binges either alone or with friends.

Nothing worked, so I quit my job.

I had another jobs that I really enjoyed so after talking to my "support system" aka my boyfriend, sister, mom, and best friend, we decided it was the best thing for me to do. And I'm so glad I did.

I didn't realize how much that job and being unhappy was affecting me.

Since quitting, I shower more, I eat more, I clean the house more, I do laundry more often, I smile more, I have more ambition, I have more free time, I don't wake up feeling anxious, I don't wake up and dread going to work, I'm less stressed, and I've lost weight.

It's just crazy to me to see how one little factor in your life can affect you so dramatically.

I guess the moral of the story is this- Do more of what makes you happy. 

It's That Day Again

Hello Internet!

As I'm writing this it is 22:55 on the 17th of September, 2015. 

I don't think I'm going to be getting a whole lot of sleep tonight. 

Why? Because tomorrow is the day that I dread all year. 

Tomorrow, 18 September 2015, is the 7th anniversary of my dad's death. 

I lost my dad when I was 15 years old.

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. 

You might be wondering what caused me to lose my dad at such a young age so here's a little back story:

I was born in June of 1993, to Julie and William. 

Unfortunately, at the time, Julie and William were unable to care for me properly so I became a ward of the State of Illinois. 

Due to the circumstances, my little sister and I grew up living with our Grandparents, Judie and Ritchie. And after a long wait and struggle, Judie and Ritchie adopted both Shannon and me. 

With the adoption, my Grandma and Grandpa became my Mom and Dad. 

(So when I say dad, I'm referring to my biological Grandpa)

On the day that Shannon and I were adopted, we had to take my Dad to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. He was diagnosed with Emphysema. 

Emphysema is a lung disease, that falls under COPD. It is the gradual deterioration of the alveoli (air sacks) of your lungs that causes you to have a difficult time breathing. 

Over the years, my dad went from being short of breath sometimes to being on an oxygen tank constantly, as well as being bed-ridden. With all of this, and his old age, his health slowly started to go down hill. 

In the Summer of 2008, my dad was rushed to the hospital. 

He wasn't allowed to come home.
From the hospital, he was transported to a nursing home, and bounced back and forth from nursing home to hospital until he passed away. 

____________________________________________________

Losing a loved one, especially a parent, is never easy, no matter what age you are. 

The night before my dad passed away I couldn't sleep.

I was up crying all night with a sinking feeling in my chest. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. 

I think the reason why I couldn't sleep and had those feelings was because I was so unbelievably close to my dad. And I think that's why I can't sleep in the days leading up to the anniversary either. 

As much as I try, I can't avoid the pain of remembering what I've lost. My subconscious makes sure of that. In the days leading up to the anniversary, I become very irritable and on edge, very emotional, so emotional I could start crying if you smiled at me wrong, and I, also, become very tired.

I'm not sure why this all happens or why it only happens on the days leading up to the anniversary and not on the actual day. 

____________________________________________________

Rest In So Much Peace, Papa. 

 I took this photo in the Spring/Summer of '08 

I was standing behind my mom while she was talking

to my dad and snapped this without him knowing. 

An Apology.

Hello Internet.

It's been a while. 

I've had a lot on my plate recently, between work and weddings and dealing with my mental breakdown but I think I'm ready to hop back on the saddle. 

This post is a sort of reflection on the last year, on my time spent in my little corner of the Internet. But most of all, it's an apology. It's an apology to a lot of people, but mainly to the wonderful boys we love to watch on YouTube, Paul Neafcy, Jack Howard, Matt Hogan, and Daniel J. Layton. 

It's a little weird apologizing to people who you've never met, for something they probably don't even know you did. Not very many people are going to understand this, but these thoughts have been weighing heavily on my mind so I want to get them out. 

I'm sorry. For what? Well, for using you. 

Last year, I officially started my YouTube channel. I had wanted to do it since 2008 and finally I just went for it. I didn't have a purpose, I didn't have a theme, I had no idea what sort of videos on wanted to make; I just knew I wanted to make videos and be a part of this community. So I did. 

Somewhere along the way though I got wrapped up in wanting to be liked. And be liked by everyone. I was comparing myself to my friends who have channels by the numbers. Subscriber count, views, likes, reblogs on tumblr were all I was focusing on. I was no longer doing it because I thought it would be fun or because I had things to say or because I wanted remember certain occasions in my life.

I think what started my little spiral out of control was when a video I uploaded on Sam pepper got like 500 views and caused Neafcy to subscribe to me.

I had a lot of thoughts swirling through my head that day, and even before with the Alex Day thing, and I didn't give it a proper think- I just went for it and people liked it. I think it caused me to get a big head, it caused me to think that I could actually build a friendship with the people (Neafcy)I watched on the Internet.

Because of that I started piggy backing on things. I started name dropping Jack Howard, Matt Hogan, and Daniel J Layton in my videos. I started tagging their names in my posts on tumblr. I tweeted them all the time. I started to go all crazy obsessed, and I don't even know why. I called myself a "Jack Howard lover," why? What does that even mean?! Because I admire his work? Really?  I think I just wanted so desperately to be liked by them. I know, I sound  like I'm in middle school again trying to get the popular kids to like me and invite me into their group.

Looking back, I'm embarrassed. I lost myself on this mission to be "cool."

I think about it a lot, the content I put up on my channel stopped being original. I didn't have a voice, I was just another person uploading the most recent tag video.

The thing that probably gets me the most is the image I've created for myself. I've lost myself before, trying to be someone or something I'm not; somehow I bounce back. I don't know about this time though.

When the above mentioned boys, among other people, see "Jamie Rogers" or "itsjamiefools" in their notifications or around the Internet, what do they think? I have a pretty good idea, and I would bet money it has a sigh of annoyance and an eye roll attached.

So any way, enough excuses or explanations or ramblings.

I'm sorry.
Paul, Jack, Matt, Dan, I'm sorry.

To each and every one of you.
For using you.
For imagining that you'd chose me out of the thousands of people that enjoy your existence to become friends with.
For annoying you and blowing up alllllll of your social media platform notifications.
For trying to piggy back off your success.
But most importantly, for being someone I'm not and for everything that came along with that.

___________________________________

I've been trying to find the courage and the words to write this post, and as I publish it I'm still not convinced that it is coherent at all.
Thank you for putting up with my rambling, until next time, Internet.

Xoxo

Since I've Been Gone..

Hello Internet. 

I've been gone for a good long while, and I'm sorry for that. 

I feel like I owe you an explanation, even though I probably don't.

Well, whether needed or not, here it is:

I suck. I suck at being dedicated and creative with this blog. 

I'm overwhelmed. I work almost 70 hours a week now and it's hard to find time.

The inevitable existential crisis. I have one of these every couple weeks but it makes it very hard to focus on anything but my life that is spiraling out of control.

My boyfriend. Mitch and I have been going through a rough patch and I've been working very hard to try to fix things. 

And on top of these things, I'm struggling to learn how to make this space more my own.

So, as of tonight, I've started another blog. 

That doesn't meant that I'm throwing this one away though. It just means that I'm going to try out this website and another website and see which one can meet my blogging needs, and go from there. 

So, thank you for not giving up on me and thank you for always being a place I can come back to no matter how long it's been. I look forward to getting better at this blogging bit. 

All the love. x

Ten Years From Now.

I really hate it when people ask me, "where do you see yourself in ten years?" 

I know it's just a question. It's someone being interested in my life. 

But I have a question: Why do I have to know?

I don't know what I'm having for dinner tonight, let alone what I'll be doing in ten years.

In the time between then and now, I could go back to school, get married, move across the country, or have a baby. The possibilities are endless. 

Honestly, in ten years, all I see for myself is happiness.

I could have all of the above things happen to me, and that would be fine, as long as I'm happy.
I don't know where I'll be living, what car I'll be driving, what job I'll be working, if I'll have kids, a husband, or a dog, but where ever I am and what ever I'm doing I just want to be happy.

Happiness is the most important thing in life really, so why not just ask me what makes me happy? 

Because that's what I want to be doing in ten years.