Hello Internet.
It's been a while.
I've had a lot on my plate recently, between work and weddings and dealing with my mental breakdown but I think I'm ready to hop back on the saddle.
This post is a sort of reflection on the last year, on my time spent in my little corner of the Internet. But most of all, it's an apology. It's an apology to a lot of people, but mainly to the wonderful boys we love to watch on YouTube, Paul Neafcy, Jack Howard, Matt Hogan, and Daniel J. Layton.
It's a little weird apologizing to people who you've never met, for something they probably don't even know you did. Not very many people are going to understand this, but these thoughts have been weighing heavily on my mind so I want to get them out.
I'm sorry. For what? Well, for using you.
Last year, I officially started my YouTube channel. I had wanted to do it since 2008 and finally I just went for it. I didn't have a purpose, I didn't have a theme, I had no idea what sort of videos on wanted to make; I just knew I wanted to make videos and be a part of this community. So I did.
Somewhere along the way though I got wrapped up in wanting to be liked. And be liked by everyone. I was comparing myself to my friends who have channels by the numbers. Subscriber count, views, likes, reblogs on tumblr were all I was focusing on. I was no longer doing it because I thought it would be fun or because I had things to say or because I wanted remember certain occasions in my life.
I think what started my little spiral out of control was when a video I uploaded on Sam pepper got like 500 views and caused Neafcy to subscribe to me.
I had a lot of thoughts swirling through my head that day, and even before with the Alex Day thing, and I didn't give it a proper think- I just went for it and people liked it. I think it caused me to get a big head, it caused me to think that I could actually build a friendship with the people (Neafcy)I watched on the Internet.
Because of that I started piggy backing on things. I started name dropping Jack Howard, Matt Hogan, and Daniel J Layton in my videos. I started tagging their names in my posts on tumblr. I tweeted them all the time. I started to go all crazy obsessed, and I don't even know why. I called myself a "Jack Howard lover," why? What does that even mean?! Because I admire his work? Really? I think I just wanted so desperately to be liked by them. I know, I sound like I'm in middle school again trying to get the popular kids to like me and invite me into their group.
Looking back, I'm embarrassed. I lost myself on this mission to be "cool."
I think about it a lot, the content I put up on my channel stopped being original. I didn't have a voice, I was just another person uploading the most recent tag video.
The thing that probably gets me the most is the image I've created for myself. I've lost myself before, trying to be someone or something I'm not; somehow I bounce back. I don't know about this time though.
When the above mentioned boys, among other people, see "Jamie Rogers" or "itsjamiefools" in their notifications or around the Internet, what do they think? I have a pretty good idea, and I would bet money it has a sigh of annoyance and an eye roll attached.
So any way, enough excuses or explanations or ramblings.
I'm sorry.
Paul, Jack, Matt, Dan, I'm sorry.
To each and every one of you.
For using you.
For imagining that you'd chose me out of the thousands of people that enjoy your existence to become friends with.
For annoying you and blowing up alllllll of your social media platform notifications.
For trying to piggy back off your success.
But most importantly, for being someone I'm not and for everything that came along with that.
___________________________________
I've been trying to find the courage and the words to write this post, and as I publish it I'm still not convinced that it is coherent at all.
Thank you for putting up with my rambling, until next time, Internet.
Xoxo
I think what started my little spiral out of control was when a video I uploaded on Sam pepper got like 500 views and caused Neafcy to subscribe to me.
I had a lot of thoughts swirling through my head that day, and even before with the Alex Day thing, and I didn't give it a proper think- I just went for it and people liked it. I think it caused me to get a big head, it caused me to think that I could actually build a friendship with the people (Neafcy)I watched on the Internet.
Because of that I started piggy backing on things. I started name dropping Jack Howard, Matt Hogan, and Daniel J Layton in my videos. I started tagging their names in my posts on tumblr. I tweeted them all the time. I started to go all crazy obsessed, and I don't even know why. I called myself a "Jack Howard lover," why? What does that even mean?! Because I admire his work? Really? I think I just wanted so desperately to be liked by them. I know, I sound like I'm in middle school again trying to get the popular kids to like me and invite me into their group.
Looking back, I'm embarrassed. I lost myself on this mission to be "cool."
I think about it a lot, the content I put up on my channel stopped being original. I didn't have a voice, I was just another person uploading the most recent tag video.
The thing that probably gets me the most is the image I've created for myself. I've lost myself before, trying to be someone or something I'm not; somehow I bounce back. I don't know about this time though.
When the above mentioned boys, among other people, see "Jamie Rogers" or "itsjamiefools" in their notifications or around the Internet, what do they think? I have a pretty good idea, and I would bet money it has a sigh of annoyance and an eye roll attached.
So any way, enough excuses or explanations or ramblings.
I'm sorry.
Paul, Jack, Matt, Dan, I'm sorry.
To each and every one of you.
For using you.
For imagining that you'd chose me out of the thousands of people that enjoy your existence to become friends with.
For annoying you and blowing up alllllll of your social media platform notifications.
For trying to piggy back off your success.
But most importantly, for being someone I'm not and for everything that came along with that.
___________________________________
I've been trying to find the courage and the words to write this post, and as I publish it I'm still not convinced that it is coherent at all.
Thank you for putting up with my rambling, until next time, Internet.
Xoxo
